|Rise Against (various)
||[Apr. 18th, 2012|02:52 am]
I'm just a bad dream of a dysfunctional reality.
It's interesting to me that maintaining a journal is supposed to be cathartic but in the end, it becomes yet another form of social networking. When those close to you discover you are keeping a journal, they inevitably want access to it. And how does one refuse without alienating that party? As if they are the only ones excluded? I know I care too much what others think, and that's something I definitely need to work on, but it's challenging. Granted, I suppose I could exclude access to certain posts, but again...it seems questionable when everyone else may see it except for certain parties. I have felt the need to be "politically correct" my entire life, or at least "socially" correct, so as not to offend anyone. However, many feel nothing about offending or excluding me. Obviously, I'm doing it wrong.
My last entry was from early 2010 and upon reflecting, I realize that nothing much has changed. I did meet a wonderful girl who has so many exceptional qualities that I would be a fool to throw the relationship away. My limiting belief system also does not help, for it suggests scarcity regarding meeting others. I end up locking myself into these relationships and invariably end up on the wrong end of the breakups. I was watching a presentation recently where it was submitted that learning is adjusting one's behavior to avoid making the same errors. I apparently haven't learned. Aside from my relationship I am in the very same spot I was when I arrived down here. I am not any happier; in fact, I am more depressed than ever (aside from the point of my last entry).
I enrolled in school with the best of intentions. After my multiple attempts to enroll in the local community college, I ended up signing onto the "distance learning: system once again. And once again, I had a decent start but faltered and ultimately failed. Granted, in the interim I was promoted at my place of employment and work an additional day (10 hours more per week) which did not help, but there are those who work just as much if not more and manage to succeed. Rather than being inspirational to me, it seems to underscore the self-imposed moniker of failure. Of course, after I was enrolled I learned of another local school I apparently could have attended but I was stubborn and decided that it would be in the best interests of my odd schedule that I stick it out online. I couldn't hack it. Again.
I am aware that submitting to failure is counterproductive, Logically, I get it. Logically, I have so many answers but emotionally I am unable to follow through with any of them. Getting older has become more of a detriment career-wise, almost just like one's credit history: no credit can be better than bad credit. No experience or limited experience can be better than a checkered job history and subsequent resume detailing that. I have friends ten years younger than I (which is sad in itself) who are more successful than I am at this point in my life. Granted, I too had opportunities when I was younger and I should have gone to school at that time but I didn't, and now I am reaping the consequences of my inaction.
One goal I have managed to meet for the most part is going to the gym. Aside from a bad bout with tennis elbow late last year, I have been going to the gym more often than not with few exceptions. One would think I would be a behemoth at this point, but I see little difference than when I first started going in late 2009. My diet sucks and that's a big part of it, but at least I am going, I suppose.
I want to have goals. I want to have a career. I want to be successful financially, socially, physically, mentally, psychologically and with my relationship. I have fallen short so many times. An utter lack of energy plagues me. Lethargy takes its toll on me. I started to submit to it, believing that because my mother suffers from the same, I am destined to as well. That belief will doom me to utter failure, and I refuse to fail anymore.
I am so scared. I don't even know why. I'm afraid of everything. I hate it. It limits my life in every possible area. I am afraid to move out, because I may lose my source of income and then what, move back? Failure. I am afraid to enter into a car loan because of the same. I am afraid to be confrontational because ultimately I end up being threatened in some way and because of my small stature, I feel that there isn't much I can do about that. I tried communicating differently, but I am not very good at communicating with different, distinct personalities and instead tend to relapse to communicating in a condescending, arrogant way. I suppose that is to compensate for my physical stature and lack of self confidence. I hate it. If there were some magic combination to unlock normalcy, I would like to figure it out. I would like to wake up one day and feel socially intelligent, motivated, and likable rather than depressed, feeling like a failure, as if that were my lot in life.
I feel that I have a very uneasy relationship with my family, partly because I never really became anything of worth, and because I owe my grandmother money that for some reason I cannot repay because it is so much. Somehow I manage to spend money on things that are really unnecessary but am unable to focus those resources where they matter. I need to get back to managing my money properly.
Sometimes I feel like I need to cut ties with much in my life in order to grow and move forward, almost as if those things are holding me back from truly flourishing. But the fear kicks in and reminds me that I'm fortunate to have the little that I do, considering my circumstances. Maybe I always feel tired because of an incongruence between what I truly am, what I purport myself to be, and what I really want. I'm not sure, but I cannot let myself bring me down any more.